The Barrett women are good.

When it comes down to it, people go for new racial security.  A little late?

I am one of the Americans interested in Germany.  I think they moved on to other Asians.

It's funny, I know 2 girls who secretly want to be German.  One is nice in private, the other is nice in public.  You probably know what I mean.

Cultures around the world answered to the opening of the German girls born around 1985.  Sometimes, they go under as bad, like I do, but I know what it is.  It's basically saying they're a failure, when they're not moreso than others.

I like to build my bridges and to remain open-minded.

I may not be right for something, or someone, but something "better" / for me.

Sure, you may be a joker... but I'm not "that" joke.

I'm waiting for lunch.  I just folded laundry.  I wanted to practice some violin.  I was so tired I didn't shower, been exercising more, needed more sleep, need to go down the stairs for brushing my teeth.  I made some calls I needed to make.  I should do some exercise that I can.

Update

I added an add on to my last dream.

My Dream: In My Dreams

My 1st dream my dad made his presence known, and a lady was going to go down a very twisty slide ride or something.

My 2nd dream I was in high school.  I went to get my schedule and was late, the bell almost ringing.  I remember not wanting to wake up.  My roommate here was trying to wake me up, and before I thought I really talked to her in 2 states.  Here, too.  I thought I tried to wake up and seemed to.  Others were there, think my dad, later him and and my mom there.  I was in a room.  Lots of people came to me, I just lay there.  They shook my hand and I sorta moved and I moved in a procession.  I remember my dad was one and maybe mom before that.  Maybe, they were professors, noticing men more.  I remember eventually feeling mobile in my dream like in real life.  I also floated awhile flying along.  I found a bed with thin white quilty sheets, maybe with pink ribbon.  One bed in a room I would go in, other kids there, was Sweet 16 but for a boy?  Someone took me to my room maybe soon would.  I also remember feeling things and my feet were being touched because they felt something.  It was very real but demonic maybe with a presence.  I just had to make it stop and it felt less but still some and healing.  I thought I was in my room, where my roommate stays.  I told people of stuff.  Something happened for awhile, things, like sleeping and not waking up but dreaming, lying down, and I kept wishing to drive the evil forces of it away that someone would be there with me, sometimes to hold my hand, or they had to touch me it seems to drive the forces away.  It was dark and dreary.  Where I floated was lighter.  I also went on a tour for JROTC in high school (military class) though I was not in it.  I saw a big shark and it seemed so real and I thought I dreamed or saw it before.  It came out of a tunnel, and I just sat there.  I know once I felt I was lying down in the water and saw reflections of water above, and I felt the water pulsing but wasn't wet.  I was asleep in my dream.  Much of my dream I thought I was in different levels and couldn't wake up.  It's sort a feeling like it's too stuffy.  I feel that way in real life, like lying down, sometimes, now, try not to.  I know I wished for the person, a lady, to be with me a long time, too.

Add On: The lady talked to me later, maybe, or something.  One thing was asking if it was a nightmare. She was, like, in the shadows or just her voice or words.  I got to feel as though she was there.

Update

I updated that recent Snapchat post.

My Dream: "1 More Time"

I was in bed and something like my younger brother left of my family (my parents got sick and died over 2 years each in a row, 2019 and 2021.) covered my eyes like suctions and I was attacked by a sucking body, no blood or breakings, but violently.  I didn't want to fight it and I was hurt.  A demon!  I tried to get close to people so it wouldn't chase me, like a huge "sock monkey" ghost of an idea.

I was directed to a lady by maybe 1 or sorta 2 other women.  The lady I was directed to was more like me.  She came to me kinda fast and urgently for me like she said my name like I was in trouble, with what happened and what was happening, emotionally too, we hugged, she got close, and then we walked and she touched me between my arm and waist area.  It was like she thought was stubborn the 2nd time.  There was a petite girl there with her, too, as we walked then, to one side, appearing at different times maybe on one side.  I remember the lady was calling me a 2nd time with my younger brother saying something like, "Wait, it's not like that."  Her voice was somewhat strong, stable, and clear, and she seemed balletic.  My younger brother's fingers were forming like mine and his body looked like a ballerina.  When I left Florida for New Orleans, I got to start ballet again, when I was 12.  My younger brother was 7.  I crossed "a bridge over troubled water" in the dark, with maybe little light flowers etc.  We were bulging.  It was about the mistakes I made after we moved, which affected my health.  (Lately, I've been exercising more other than just walking or just lightly jogging for 30 minutes most days.  I work out my whole body.)

I went back to sleep.  The lady was like a registered music teacher and highly regarded.  I was seeking her out, to do things with music and they seemed to happen in my feelings.  Papers were involved.  She was at a long table on a hallway.  Other people were there and maybe involved in whatever I was also doing or to get to her.  She had that same charming personality.  There was like a building nearby, must be like a concert hall.  I looked up a concert hall and huge mall lately, one in Miami, Southeastern Florida (wanting to move nearby to the Fort Lauderdale, Southeastern area) and one in Minneapolis, Minnesota.  This had lots of potential, and she looked kinda happy as I woke up and faded away, like as another demon.  So, I was almost to her, there was hope, and she was pretty happy.  It was probably day.  Maybe, it was like a college, too, reminds me now I think of it, the community college in Orlando, Central Florida, the big one.  There was a sense of merriment.

The lady was very charming.  She had good physical presence but was very delicate in ways beyond that, as well.  She was very emotional.  She had a very specific personality.  It gave me a reason to live in my dreams and a means, as well of course to have coming.  It's neat when you dream of people like this.  At least, this one was not that fat! and not that hazy.  She was there a lot and for a lingering time, until I had to wake up, in pain I could not eat or drink before bed, just a small bit of water, couldn't ingest much so I wouldn't wake up.  Sometimes, lately, I seem to find some end.  This must be the best dream in all by far I've had and interesting sequence.  I get hurt, people help, I meet someone, a bridge occurs, I seek out a person, and more is there when I wake up.

Update

I edited my last post.

Snapchat

Minnesota, a suburb of Minneapolis - Sorry the other way around!

You appreciate some things just a little older and just a little wiser but not too old and too wise.

Plan

Wait for lunch, make extra food, exercise.

Tomorrow, go to a food bank.

Update

I added a new section on the side of this blog, "Forums/Groups by Me."

I could be a business consultant or sell from home.

First blanket of snow!

Writing Poems on Film|Boards - This is a long one.

"Retarded"

I stood a mile down the road,
But I couldn't do as I was told.
As I wandered, I knew I was outsmarted.
I'm from the U.S., I've only farted.

I tried to cover my diploma.
I couldn't shield the aroma.
As I sat, once again outsmarted.
I tried to cry but only farted.

I sewed the corn and milked the cow.
I stopped and knew what I could not allow.
Time has gone by, but I only started.
I hadn't fertilized, I only farted.

Down fell the glorious snow.
I knew not where to go.
For all the things I regarded.
I never enjoyed it, only farted.

Some Good Ole Humor DUH

Here lie the dearly departed

Could've stayed but only farted

Are poor White children interesting?

I wish I could apply for a job in Fort Lauderdale, Florida right now, but I need some money from my dad still to fly over and move etc.

Working as a cook sounds more interesting than as a cashier, though you don't talk to people as much.

Update

I fixed the link to the MIDI in the last post on my other blog: MIDI. 

New Post

Christina Barrett - Classical Music

My Dream: I Got It

I dreamed I got my parents back and I was frantic I'd lose them again.  They were in Louisiana or in the New Orleans.  I went through some dogs and had was gonna sing maybe in choir.  There were bats.  Things fell from some, like fur or baby bats that were unclear, like the bats sorta.  I saw a version of me and my mom and later maybe my younger brother, I was a bit healthier and that went away.  They were all pushing shopping carts.  Then, I saw my parents.  My younger brother came.  An old friend was there.  I remember talking about being Irish and just to see me, and I used a scooter.

So, my parents got sick and died each 2 years in a row.  My dad is more than 1/2 Irish.

It was a big open area.

I remember something about love earlier, too.  There was a teacher a bit taller who confided in a student even taller.  These people were in the Cleveland, Ohio area.  The teacher said she got me my degree maybe in music and that meant a plan, she made it made sense.  They were thinner.  The girl had smooth hair.

I think the dogs were big police dogs, like bigger.  One was said to have killed children as it was trained to do.  I think we were running from it.  I think I helped some children.

My mom looked cute, long hair and bangs, sweet and kinda shy.  My dad was strolling like wow.  He just kept looking.  My mom was more social.  He reminded me more of my dreams of my mom where she wasn't as responsive.  It's like he was someone else like a ghost in disguise.  My mom seemed like that but more genuine.  More waking up, I had a vision of my mom I think when she died or the day after, and it was like made by a god or force of nature.

Also, we went by a bank.  Someone else at least was with us, a tall female, who was young.  She had to fix something like that rolled.  It reminded me of looking at purifying cups before going to bed.  I remember talking to the receptionist, an older lady with maybe dyed, dark, short, wavy hair.  She was saying she was in a convenient location.  We walked through a big walkway, and it said "Mobile" in a few places, the company, for cell phones.  Maybe, it was wooden, and the door was mostly clear.  I guess she seemed like where we were, from Louisiana or the New Orleans area.  I guess I see like the difference sieved out of being from New Orleans versus the area, but it's still a little hard to tell.

I remember some ladies in charge when I "came to" around the dogs and may participate in singing with kids.  Also, I went to some fast food booths.  It's a bit hard to remember.  I got something, possibly food.  I've been wanting to eat at non-fast-food restaurants.

I remember about my moms saying she was Norwegian with a Norwegian family behind, and I was wondering but said I thought so but thought she was also Dutch.  She was sorta averting me.  I mean, that's the people she was around.  I said "Chinese," said I thought she was, and the Norwegian people were sorta acting like it was taboo. My mom was beginning to look that way.  They had kinda a hook face form.

I also remember a dude who was, like, Latino, with pale skin and dark hair, in the fight among the dogs.  He hit his head on things and it got more like a hook.  I think this was earlier.  He was up in the air or by the ceiling it seemed.  It was big and glassy, weird structure sorta, with slabs around.

I think it was day by the bank, nice out, not as sunny as Orlando but not as dreary and overcast as Cleveland and some of the nearer areas.

I remember waiting for my parents and thinking at least I get them back in my dream.  It's like they really saw me.  I guess it is nice I saw them together so.  I've had dreams with them both, but they seemed even more in conflict.

Is it creative and fun to wind down and think you're proving I'm worse than others when I'm not?

Bangs

French girl

Update

I added a link to Make Up Makeovers on the side of this blog near the top under Me.

It's sorta fun to be organized and productive in the group home, to make the little things work out.

I'm in a group home.

I'm not really settling down in this place.  I wonder where I will go.  I talk to my psychologist and maybe aunt soon to talk about it.

I have some calls to make and errands to run, too.

I came Up North finally to see my people, and the Black people in Cleveland are mean to me and are "putting on an act" of defiance like it's all about acting like where I'm from, worldly and modern, "but not doing a good job of it" and messing around and abusing me.

I was sorta celebrated, and now the people here are different than the nice Black people where I'm from.

Relatives: I'm not really still hanging in there, then, like I'm just a standby.

Unlike most extended families's options, I'm no longer a participant because I'm out of school.

What do you think how people think any thought is final answer and they don't have one?

My Dream: "Break a Leg"

I know I wasn't feeling well.  I saw shows by young people at a theater.  One was supposed to involve The Wizard of Oz.  Once I was gonna shower, but we had to leave in danger.  My diabetes wasn't too bad because I dodged a lot of danger others didn't, brutal.  I remember posing like my dad happy they got blood from my dad.

Also, I remember my mom leading my dad out and he looked big with a bandage wrapped around half his head of his eye.  He was happy he wouldn't be in as intensive of care.  He may still die.

There were other elements I forget.

Update

Another ADD ON.

Update

I added more, background information, just now.

Update

I made an ADD ON to my last dream. 

My Dream: Dad, I Can Hear You, From Beyond the Grave

I dreamed I was in a big building, concert hall, entrance, or school rather.  A famous singer and guitarist came.  I went to some people to eventually touch me because I was suffering.  Things were distorted, sight and sound, like hazy or not clear.  I had ear plugs in that I could hear my dad maybe through warbling with the hospital people, like he was dying.  It was like they were saying there's mucus or something etc.  I later saw a picture of my younger brother with his eyes covered, like he was deranged or something, wrapped with a bandaging around his head.  He was thin maybe with tiny cuts.  Maybe he had a cane.  I heard more later.  I was left finally after some stuff.  The singer gave me big ear phones and I heard like music and felt better.  I just wanted people to be okay.  I got up after maybe being approached and dogs there.  I ran with them like it was part of a performance and we went in the hall.  Huge pillars.  They talked.  I was alone with them.  They touched me.  I told them I was 1/2 Chinese, and one said his wife was maybe 1/2, Taiwanese.  I was Chiwanese, and the dogs kept nudging my legs and it ticked.  A small white one, kinda scrawny maybe with maybe scrawny ears was more below to support me.  I thin I imagined seeing my dad's fingers turn off or start to, like a red outline there somehow in some way representing the blood that was there.  It pretty much ended.  The whole time was like morbid and at the beginning warbly.  I remember now too a teacher who was blonde seeing her daughter and so happy she was so healthy and a cheerleader.  People were tall and slender.  I saw from the back I think them mostly.

I am listening to music that warbles with earplugs.  It's pretty loud but not for being awake too much for me.  I kept suffering, in it, maybe from diabetes.

ADDED: I remember later on after a lot of suffering, my dad wanted to be the first and I said it.  I heard a voice that showed me my mom or something that seemed like her the night she died I think say, "You have to say it, and then it's it."  I was afraid of claiming what I didn't exactly understand, but I said it, "You're first!" and also wanting to ease his pain. Then, it went off, must be happy, something he wanted from this world before moving on.  He was wishing for it in pain.  Also, I was supposed to worry about saving someone else who was still alive, maybe, and it made me flustered.

ADDED: Both my parents got sick and died over 2 years, 4 years total.  My mom had 3 kinds of cancer: breast, bone, and eye.  My dad drank poison in the Marines during Vietnam (but didn't have to go) and also because of diabetes, his muscles wouldn't regrow, an unknown condition now.  His lungs shrunk like twice their size.  He had to walk around using a cane, then walker, then some kind of wheelchair I think, and then a scooter.  He looked good.  When he had a hard time moving or using his voice, he pulled the plug but had maybe a year.

ADDED: When I touched people, like their side, the pain went away.

"Caroling, Caroling"

What reasons is Petra Mullejans great for, do you think?

Gottfried von der Goltz does not ever challenge the greatness of Petra Mullejans.

I guess...

...in the instances that I get closer to other people, other people get closer to my relatives...

Me Singing a Few Days Ago

I made it private, by accident.

Naps?

Sometimes, for me coffee has stopped working.  With pills, it seems I need like 12 hours of sleep sometimes, sometimes more.

My Dream: Setting up and Getting Down

I was looking kind attractive, and someone very attractive came and talked to me telling me who she liked, 2 people, going through a list, telling me and my younger brother.

We were in a big room, kinda dark and brown, lots of young people and some older adults who looked kinda like a young generation.

We got tested.  Like, a long shot in our nose didn't hurt.

I got mucus in one test into something and it filled up a clear rectangular box.  I had little tubes in my brain, looked blue in the diagram.  I needed brain surgery or else maybe they'd pop out.

We reviewed for awhile.

We all got food, some flat breads, maybe healthy pizza, and a pan of tomato soup that was kinda healthy.  Mine fell over, we hand sandwiches, and someone's sandwich was where the pan was, we were praying or something.  I told someone.  They used like green pepper/pumpkins and made me soup in a huge pan, big enough you can get into.

I remember, a little boy was with my younger brother and I on a journey, that was enlightening.  Later, a younger boy was on the side of my lap.

The room was dark with long tables.

There was the mystery of the very attractive person, a lady.  People liked when I was in high school and involved in clubs a lot.

Dream: A Loving Life

It was like a pig had given instructions, like a cartoon or whatever or made up idea, to put together a big chocolate display for it, some that looked like it.  Some fell apart, but it served its purpose on display.  I know some looked like it some.  It told of the parts.  It was for me and on display for everyone.  The pig was a boy.  I forget all the rest.  I was probably in some place that seemed interesting and neat.  People were against it, but still.

I know I showed a picture of a half human half pig fetus last night to my roommate, who said it was so cute!  I "felt" for it.  (I was sorry for it.)

My Dream: Classy Confrontations

I saw videos of me when I was younger and I looked expressive, playing with my grandma.  There were other young girls, when I was there, and the blondes were showed off.

There was a video where my mom held me from a helicopter and my grandma was dangling from me.

I remember seeing this amazing brunette lady, medium/long straight black hair and darker skin.

There was also a lot of me staying in a hotel at a mall, and some people thought that was smart and wanted to see me.

My Dream: Dare to Dream

It was about getting cell phones.  I tried a tiny one, but I wanted one with more graphics.  In the end, the next generation would or could look the same but in categories with some new.

I was upset.  There was a design set op in line for a movie, represented where a cartoon people are bugs.  It was celebrating how older people die.  I was against it.  Older people were repeating things, "There's the set, build it.  Parade it, etc."  People die and get happy they said, some.

Overall, it was dark out in the end, started out like a pale light blue, kinda dusty.

My Dreams: Space Driven

I had a few dreams.

Dream #1: I know one maybe I was supposed to be testing cars in an outer space environment but it was like a dusty medium blue with cars around with levels, kinda like 3D animation.

Dream #2: One was like a movie or rather theme park where you go around flying in a suit experiencing like a world and you go through places, like to other rooms.  I got hooked with 5 girls and we were called "3rd base."

Dream #3: Then, I was helping out with something, and it was a joke how people were walked over almost literally when others were pissed off.  I think my mom and dad and some relatives more in the distance were in the mix.  One Black girl thought it was so funny, and we bonded.  She was a little obese.  She said so after settling down and we all got away.

Me Singing Now

I think, I did, again.

Update

In the "Virtual Makeover" label on the side of this blog under "Me" near the top, I changed the capitol "I" to a lowercase "i."

It seems unlikely I do Music Business at Loyola next school year but maybe go back later, even do Music Business as a Performance major.  I can keep my "portfolio" linked as the blog and build on it.  It might be better just to do Violin Performance, were it possible, but the entrance requirements look rather difficult.  I'd need a teacher.  Working, I may be able to afford it later.

...one that takes FAFSA or something.

I'm gonna call some Music Production program schools and ask if I can study it like maybe at Loyola to start an orchestra or so etc.  LA Film School...

Reminiscence

It's hard to believe it.  I was glad to get out of Orlando, with the house freezing with no heat, then cooking with no AC, septic tank broken.  My dad pulled the plug.  My mom was already long dead, so sad to say..

I remember coming to East Cleveland.  It was so hard.  I'm glad I'm in a new group home and recuperating and readjusting in my habitat.  I anticipate money from my dad.  Or, I can get a job and move to an apartment.  Online school would be good, too.  I'll go peruse majors.  The end goal is to play violin, though I do miss organ and have some proficiency, too.  I just feel a bit "shy" to play violin, now.  I like this practice.  I've played for 6 years, didn't practice enough or right, and am starting over but not "lingering."  A lot of people who used to play violin as a child show me off since they played in school.  So, maybe violin will be fun, but it seems so collaborative and I didn't play as a child and maybe it just feels unfair or boring in that regard and then even more wrong than playing organ or playing piano solos.

My Dream Now: Can I Dream, Too?

Dream #1

It was very long.  I felt good again influenced by this area.  It was like a Protestant school but a dream form.

There were little classes to train to do things.

I wasn't supposed to have to think twice and was supposed to just do my thing.

It was misty.

I did mostly performance like classes of some sort.  One was to be an Administrative Representative or something, first class I think.

There were other little students and the teachers, who were bony and taller.  I don't know if the other students could do as much.

It felt very good.

Dream $2

It was long.  I was my age, and there were older girls and probably younger girls.  Another school, but more real.  This girl 1 year older was very neat and classical looking with a doll named Violet in a box, blonde hair.  I wanted a doll recently.  her hair was straight and neat, maybe feathery and coarse.  It seemed black sometimes.  My dad was in it.  We were in the backseat of a car on site.  There was a picture of a Black doll on the box I saw longer, too, and it made me worried, since I live in a Black community and it's not like living in a White one where people are sensitive to certain feelings I have.. like "coping skills" / "coping mechanisms."

It was very exciting.

Me Singing Now

Update

new link on side of blog under 1st My Stuff

My Possible Music Business Major Application Portfolio

Loyola

Music Business + minor in International Business (German)

If you did ballet, what country would you do it in?

Russia?

Have you seen France?  Americans like Russian like Baryshnikov.

It's not always nice sharing a roommate.  I had to take a nap, I'm up and don't feel like sleeping.  The shower is a labor, too, and a bit tired.

Did you lose it? Symphony orchestras today…

I can't see myself working for a symphony orchestra, I don't have the spirit like something can happen that hasn't, like a new sound. It seems outdated, like it should have happened or something, years ago.

I am waiting for lunch, not practicing because I am so hungry.

I applied to some more jobs to keep private, though, since the job might give away the location.

 Group homes suck when you need to use the bathroom etc. or are hungry and still don't have much money.

Just a Dream Away

First, I had a dream with my relatives like at a sorta medium-sized vacation cabin we'd been at.

I remember I kept falling down and around like in circles in a pattern and these black images kept popping out, maybe like Alice in Wonderland.

I remember I was in bed in a room with another girl, maybe a big place with other beds or just 1 more.  We were dreaming and making our lives whatever we want.  I remember once I may have held her hand, from sitting up in my bed looking out.

It was still dark, and there were some maybe old European Spanish people, kids.  Someone had me in charge.  I led them.  I remember one was a danger and weak and they put him in a jail cell with other inmates in a bed, as it was time to sleep.  I found I was in England.

Other things happen I cannot recollect, out of the dream now.

I still feel high in my blood sugar.  I think I missed a diabetes pill, may be out of one.  I have that like jittery feeling, like in my legs mostly.  I haven't had much sugar, today, carbs as the buns at Burger King, fish and chicken for $6.  I know I didn't get as much strenuous physical exercise as I wanted.  I ate less healthily than I wanted, as well.  They gave us too much carbs in the group home.  I have to avoid the noodles / macaroni and cheese.  I also can't eat the waffles at breakfast, gives us 2.  So, I just have eggs or sausage.  She has cereal like Cheerios.  If she gets other kinds, the boys get hungry and eat it at night.  Those were the days...

Are family supposed to stay together and friends?  Or 18 and out or independence?

Dream - On "Wings of Change"

I was wondering if my dad died, asking my younger brother and a female, and I said someone who looked like my dad was good, my younger brother.

2 or 3 times I ran into girls of varying ages at a grocery store or something, and we all did some symbolic dance of life or something.  I was on a scooter like my dad in this dream, sorta, but I also drove with it.  I "rubbed elbows" or exchanged communication with the husband of a popular lady, who was kinda like her but sorta plump and tall, sitting on the floor.  We were to come back and I might meet.

I had to go off to get my blood test and it was morning and dewy and on or to the highway.  I was at like a mall and ran into a thin Eastern European lady who totally approved of me and then I left and I saw she was with her daughter.

I had to go to an elevator that had no doors.  We all had to flap our hands above our heads and it turned into white glove wings and it went up.  I had like $700 SSI and ready to save to spend.

Update

I added a new section to the side of my blog called "Other Media."

Do you know the border of Up North and Down South, now?

Up North if you're from New Orleans and your dad is from Pennsylvania.

Down South if you're from New Orleans and your dad is from New Orleans.

Why do Americans joke like everything is crap?

I don't know if I do this or follow this trend, myself.  If I do, I don't laugh much, when I do it.  I think Americans do smile and seem as though they laughed.  I smile kinda.  I don't literally revel in it.

My Dream - "Seeking Help" or "Sleeping Hell"

I had this dream where my mom, who died, and younger brother were partially said to be like made of light were constantly throwing light/particles at me that sorta went through me.  The only way this stopped was by me running out asking for help.  I had to run out again.  Some people saw I needed help, and a kind lady, older than me below reached out a big hand and was very emotional and real, not like hiding behind a label.  She was supposed to be very good, like at counseling.

Also in the dream I know was my dad stretched out on a bed on a floor, maybe like a Japanese sitting on the floor..

The setting was like layers of floors without walls.

My younger brother was a baby, and I was in the room with him like when I lived in the oldest continuing city in the US, my parents in the other room.  I took care of him some, like poo'd a lot and I guess I tried to get him to sleep.  He was old enough to crawl.

I remember feeling very emotional and maybe in danger again since needing help.  I remember my brother pushed back at the top and I pushed forward to feel more feminine but not weaker.

It felt dangerous.  I don't remember much else.

When I needed help, it was an interesting environment and people were around, like girls around my age bigger.  I probably interacted with them trying to get help.  In some ways, that felt real.

Also, the environment was like sorta a jungle gym like Chuck E Cheese's is, but you walk and it's more like Dr Seuss.

It was just weird that the only way out was leaving those 2 rooms and asking for help, sorta frantically and out in the open but not out of control.  Otherwise, I thought I'd be trapped, like in the 1st room, forever.  I know I've been sleeping a lot...  I'm not sure if I should go back to sleep and wait for breakfast in the group home or maybe leave right after and be ready for my errands.

In the bedrooms, it was dark, too, like black, but I could see like my brother and there was our beds.  Other things happened and sorta between us, like an experience.

Oh, I remember.  My younger brother was a baby or like a toddler, too, and my mom wondered what he was doing.  He was made of like dry flesh and chords, kinda like bone, and it weaved and there was lots of space between it.  He was thinking, "Hey," like, "How did my parents raise me?"  He was trying to pick it apart and rewire it.  My mom asked what he was doing like she didn't know.  Soon, he was just a head, like a black robot maybe round with 2 round like things like goggles.  I remember, too, I went in my parents' bedroom and just my dad was there with the top of his body, like his chest, which resembles his fatal illness.  I went in and saw him like this a few times, at some point after or soon after.  After, my mom and brother started throwing the lights/particles at me, and, like I said, I finally left.

"The Wild West"

(image source credit)

It looks like the "young girl" in front went full out and forgot her ladylike roots.

I guess that's just it for me, and I had my hair cut nice with bangs and short and my choir director secretly acted like I should grow it out and eventually I did all the way, like a hag and again.

What are all these weird things, my parents not helping me about or steering me away from?

I thought I'd feel younger not to wear makeup, for some reason.  Is it too late to have fun with it and be someone for it?

Why did my pores get bigger?  Why didn't I know of products for it or think to ask or look?

Germans

Do you like how older American ladies, like the age to be my grandma, act secretly like Germany is bad, even if they are German?  When a German gets mad at you, it goes to show what you would "get" to have, after all.

What I Think About Myself

I don't know why people started paying attention to if I "make problems."  My life became an experiment, and we eventually moved to Orlando for my dad's job.  It was a terrible place.  My dad was always mean to me and prevented me from functioning, like winding down from it.  The city partly hated me, and people collectively used racism against me.  Sometimes, I stomped my foot a little, and the hate and pain increased.  So, I did it more, and people thought that was it, I fell for the trap of Orlando.  People used to look at me inappropriately.

I suppose I lost a career in the creative and performing arts and fame in it.  No one cares about me, anymore, and I feel hatred.

Youthful and Mature

The people of the Freiburger Barockorchester are "under the spell of" and transfixed by the lead violinist Petra Mullejans.  Her husband is 1/2 Norwegian, mom's side, and very pleasing as a person, as well, actually 5 years younger.  Petra Mullejans is born March 8, 1959, and her husband is born June 1, 1964.  They both cover up the darkness that can be presented by life..  They are very stern, but it makes me wonder if they ever experience overall setback by the scorn of others.  They are unique that people, including the members of the Freiburger Barockorchester, "buy" them.  They present themselves as even on the, "wicked" or at least "daring" side to weave through and network with popular people who aren't necessarily together or "all there" and who are even bad.  They get smart and are inviting because they are socially and emotionally competent and at least popular.

It makes me wonder about other people who simply seem to stop short, like they have nothing to offer anyone and have something on you if your past is not flawless or unquestionable to them, how explainable they make it out to be or assert/seem they see it as.  The only thing in place is that they themselves are seen as cool, trendy, and capable of leadership and possessing of good qualities, being mentally and emotionally stable, despite others and all odds.

So, I'm not trying to come off as bad! though, nor "mean," etc..

I just ate an avacado.

I got a new Reddit account.

link

I posted this on my Problems blog to do with being monitored in private, so minutely, as things get, like the idea my past was changed or originally like this, which I disbelieve.

"I honestly think it's unfortunately involved in something, possibly, with either something alien or something 'divine.'"

It's true.  I feel bad from how I'm treated with being monitored in private.  I'm not cold anymore now I'm inside and have been awhile. It feels like the top of my lip is being cut off from the skin.  I feel the sting in the break just sitting here.

I know why people hate me.

(film|boards)

I am thinking of 4 things now:

1 - How I flunked college…

2 - I spammed my e-mail list advice when I was very painfully lonely and apologized as I did it, for months.

3 - How I sometimes spent my parents's money they gave me, like getting toys for my younger brother's dog or food in college.

4 - My violent/out-of-control/aggressive/unexplainable (but not hurting people nor in illegal ways) behavior when people would not stop being mean to me. I'm not sure what could have happened.


I know there are many things that people are supposedly scared about with me, but the biggest is probably when I lose responsibility for my schoolwork, though I'm always behaved and usually get all A+'s. What happens is my previous classes don't prepare me to leap to advanced ones.

I think other things people lose it with me for are just pretend and it's really validated, according to them, that I did do something, at least 1 thing, bad enough, and it's like/one of the things I listed.

How is your family and relatives life?

(film|boards)

It seems like my "family and friends" life somehow ended and we were came in as concentrating on my relatives life.

I do know the *vacations* were sponsored by my police aunt and life seemed to sorta be highlighted or accentuated there, maybe in some culmination.

I think my other aunt's daughter, my younger cousin, is upset at me if I mention such ventures, these *vacations* because they were, well, "all about her." She was in trouble more than once a minute. It might have been like an average of every 10 seconds, "give or take." I don't exactly remember for some reason, as I forget such things. It was probably often my aunts picking at her attitude. People seem to all agree, not all people, that it was my police aunt's fault, not the mom, and she has no kids of her own. They think she was the best girl in the world because her mom is so beautiful. My dad already seemed self-satisfied, secretly thinking she's better, because, like, "it was something that happened in daycare" when she was like 1, 2 years old, maybe 3 and possibly on. Just go to some peak of pleasure and it's gonna be a fight of pain on others to concentrate on her, rather than not pain etc.

I don't mean to sound bad or anything or say anything bad about anyone…

Why do mixed Blacks become more assimilated to their non-White side…

(film|boards)

…while others not as much maybe?

Her last name is "Lee."

1/2 Japanese

1/2 Asian (She looks attractive in an Asian way.)

Attractive Asian Mom With 1/2 Asian Kids

Do people flat out experience less racism if…

(film|boards)

…they are all one race but at least not both White and non-White?

…or if you are Oriental + White? I am that, and I went out today and everyone was so sweet and kind and on top of it. They also didn't act like I was some other inferior race nor "different" at all but even better and not even because of my unique mix. I'm in the Cleveland, Ohio, area and ventured out for a job interview, today.

Me Today

I knew my mom did gymnastics by the time when I was 1 3/4 year old, as well as ballet first.  She took me to gymnastics.  I wanted to stay in it to get very healthy and attractive, as well as strong and slender.  She knew I was interested in more than just strength and physical activity.  I thought I might get tired doing both gymnastics and ballet.  Obviously, I thought I'd be more special in gymnastics than ballet, and I knew I could do other things later, as well as my dad being in on this fact.  So, I thought we'd live it steady and I'd just do more gymnastics if I wanted to lose a little weight or be more "amazing."  So, I did it at age 1 3/4 until 8, when I turned 9.  At some point, my mom sorta confided in me to do it as attractive and accurate and I guess like as strong as I could, if I was into a love for movement other than just to be moving and strong.  I didn't compete because I just wanted it to be attractive and maybe not get sloppy, since I wasn't interested in it more than to be attractive.  People liked to compete because you could learn a little dance.  That's not much.  However, I was sad I couldn't go every day when I was older.  I couldn't really do what was asked, but I was the best.

...to be a host at a nice restaurant.

I have a job interview tomorrow morning.

I get this sometimes for $4.  I got lemon iced tea mix (since I can't store stuff in the group home in the refrigerator or it will be stolen,) and some cookies and cream Hershey's chocolate.

One of my aunts gave me $80, the younger aunt, my dad's sister.  The other aunt also helped out a lot.  I've been offering to work full time, but they don't want me to because I would lose my SSI.

I might also get tea, found some Indian Chai Tea, tea bags.

I might get a bulk deal on some granola bars rather than buying frozen pizzas for $3 or $4.

Americans in Cinema-

It may be built of lots of less substantial points but have a happy vibe shooting through that seems higher than anything around.

I may get a small job here if I need to wait to move to a new group home. 

Ohio vs Orlando

There seems to be bitterness here in Ohio where I should be prepped to feel old and like my parental generation is as good as dead.

Orlando has a more modern spirit, and you don't feel tied down there, in ways.

Now

I may take a nap, had a stomach ache before when sleeping.  I did a little exercise, 5 minutes dance 5 minutes lower back stretch.  I hate it here so much now.  I like my roommate, but I was supposed to have the room to myself.  It's a Black community, and I don't fit in as much as it seems this other one where it's a lot of white young adults, like maybe around my age in their 30s, if you call it "young adults," as middle aged must be 40s and/or 50s, I'm guessing 50s these days.

Tomorrow, things will be open and I can call about getting money for another group home and hopefully move out in January.  I can get a job maybe from there.

I am applying to other part time jobs, like Panera Bread.

I found 13 apartments under $1,000/month, with the utilities etc.

I was thinking if I get a job part time plus the SSI, I’d actually have enough for a studio apartment not in the projects and if the job goes well maybe I can move to an apartment. I’d get $1,300/month from the job at the most and $600+ from SSI, so that’d be like $20,000/month. Some studio apartments at Apartment Finder are like $700-$900/month. First, we have to see if me at a part time job works out, like I don’t get tired or lose too much sleep like before. Hopefully, it’s not too long a commute from here, too. I could get Food Stamps, too, maybe $200/month, if I lived in an apartment. I was thinking of moving to another group home because the people here annoy me, but I may just move to an apartment. It’s hard to find a group home with openings. So, I can look at apartments and get interviews for part time jobs I like, like a waitress at a hotel or cashier at Chick-fil-A. I hope I only have to work 4 hours at a time, could be 5 days a week at 20 hours a week. I would need to make $16-$17/hour, though, at those hours, to pay for the apartment, so I dunno… Waitress at a hotel is like $8-$11/hour but a good stepping stone and for now. Maybe, I can hope to get a job like that first and look for a higher paying one, meanwhile. That way, I can pay to eat out here, and I can move to an apartment when I find one that’s higher paying.

I applied to some hotels to be a waitress.

I might cancel the interview and wait to be accepted as a cashier one of their locations.

I'm not even sure I can be a cook for 6-8 hours a day.

I'm not in college because I was recommended a long sabbatical and my parents died and probably wouldn't support me, anymore.  Plus, I stopped piano and started violin, like I wanted as a child.

I thought that life got better and better.

I thought my life would be okay, my real world and not my relatives's world.  Well, anything to do with thinking I'm not as cool as my cousins, etc.

Update

I added a link to my blood tests for diabetes on the side of this blog under "My Stuff."

link

I think I can go to a community college for free and only need 4 classes to graduate.  I want to do it online.  I can get my AA.

Chick-fil-A Interview Tomorrow

I guess I will tell them my work experience and my present situation.  Full time can be maybe 30 hours but eventually I want 40 hours, just to stay out of trouble with my aunt.  I can say I did start part time and worked my way up to full time, hopefully by December.  It's a kitchen job.  I missed 3 calls/e-mails, they didn't call to interview me like they said.  This job is to work in the kitchen.  I'm wondering if it will work out, but I won't know til I try.  If my joints hurt, I can leave saying I had a health problem.  If I have problems sleeping? well, since I will have better food I may sleep more easily.

I probably need a loud alarm clock and watch.

I'm still waiting for some refunds of like $25, which I should have at least some.

My Plans

Right now, I need a job os I can eat.  I am so hungry.  I don't get enough food I like at the group home.  I threw up last night because I could not sleep.  I have a roommate now, was not supposed to, and I have to only exercise when she's not asleep, I feel is right for me.

It is possible I get like $3,000/month from my dad being a veteran.  I don't know how much longer I have to wait, but it's been approaching a year since he pulled the plug.  He should have still been on life support but I assume, like, as a "vegetable," not trying to sound disrespectful..

$3,000/month could pay for a nice apartment or nice studio apartment room.  Then, I may not work, but I may find it either enjoyable or beneficial, if it fit in with my other life goals, like wanting to be a professional musician/singer or something, pray tell what that suggestion could mean.

If I work, I could make about that much, too, on $15/hour.  Sometimes, I get offered $10/hour, though.

I'm so excited, having to work, that I applied to 22 Chick-fil-A's.  I will probably get a free meal there every day and discounts otherwise etc.  I'm hoping to eventually work 8 hours a day 5 days a week or something like that.  I know work is work.

At the moment, I can be described as "hungry" and dilapidated healthwise.  I can't pick up some snacks at the grocery store when I need them, I can't eat the supper every night because it's too weird in some ways etc., I can't eat out and buy things for fun like most people seem to, and I can't stop by for some ice cream.

I'm hoping to eat out once a day or every other day, at least, which I can afford to eat out every day for like $15 or $20 maybe?  Rent for an apartment is like $1,000/month.  At $15/month, that's $2,400/month.  Eating out every day is like $600-$700/month.  Also, some apartments require you make 2 or 3 times the rent, even if they aren't that pricey.

So, I'm using the bus.  Say, I wake up at 7 A.M. and get to work for 10 A.M.  I leave at 5 P.M. and get home at 6:30 P.M.  That's not enough time.  That's if I work full time.  I can eat and play violin some and go to bed.  I can study German on the bus.  Let's hope I get enough money to support me from the VA or at least I just work part time and make like $1,200/month.  I do want to eat out once a day or for now possibly every other day.

My lower back is hurting, I'm gonna do some stretches and maybe go back to bed and set my alarm to wake up for the Chick-fil-A phone interview.  It seems 2 other phone interviews were cancelled, and I might have an in person one tomorrow afternoon.

Update

I added a link to my flashcards studying German, under My Stuff near the bottom of the side of this blog.

link

I'm waiting for a late Chick-fil-A phone interview, then may shower and get dressed to do a videos for other Chick-fil-A interviews.  Maybe, I'll go soon and bring the phone with me in the bathroom, maybe at 3:30 P.M. if they don't call and bring the phone in with me.

(continued)

There was no image for the inside when I shopped, so I just have to go by the description.  I got pink.

pink and colors

black and red

Ordered a New Planner

I got a planner that came out November 5, 2021, for $5.95, via Amazon, and I have Amazon Prime.

There are some more innovative planners out there, now.

This one has all 24 hours and increments of 15 minutes.

The one I have now is tiny and only shows months.

Instead of leading a productive, progressive life, everyone takes turns hypnotically crossing their eyes in mediocre ways or whatnot, "in turn," by generation.

People seem to float by and pretend I think things I don't.

Some prominent people Up North in the East Cleveland area are cranky and "out of control."  The Western area is very different, in the Cleveland area, maybe Ohio.  I might get a job where I am for now and think of transferring later.  Eventually, I will move to an apartment and try to learn German and get into Germany and figure out a job or musical career, since I have no parents to pay for me to go back to college after being recommended to go home and eventually needing to, was recommended to do so for a very long time, which does not make good sense to me.

I don't want to always worry about everyone who's older dying, neither.  I don't want to suffer the complains of what others, like Generation XY, expect of Baby Boomers.

Baby Boomers feel sorry for Generation Y and messed up my life partially as an excuse because of it.

I applied to 22 Chick-fil-A's, some require more steps, but I'm tired for some reason.

In my other blog under Bio, I put at the end my hight is 5'3".

I stretched a lot because my lower back hurt, curved from gymnastics starting at age 1 3/4.  I stretched a lot after doing more floor workouts.  I noticed I grow when I do weight types of workouts.  This measurement was in the morning.I was like 5'1" before, and so I grew 1 or 2 inches.

Limited Means to Learn German

I am used to making flash cards, so I have to do that first.

I didn't need flash cards for Spanish in high school and got the highest grade, though I did it in 3rd grade and 6th grade, mandatorily, at different schools.

Me Singing Now

April 15, 2017

link

2004

2009

4 more 5 minute workouts/stretches

So, the grand total is 12 5 minute workouts, for a total of 1 hour.

What I Shoulda Done

Gymnastics PLUS Ballet, which I was allowed to do when I was younger and a bit better at it.  I would have liked that.  You know, my exercise, too.

I did 8 5 minute workouts today, 4 at a time at different times.  Many were stretches since my back hurt from exercising, like my hips or lower back, like I sprained it or it was cut or something and it was unpleasant to move often.  It might be stiff.  It curves because I did gymnastics.

I was thinking, I should have done both gymnastics and ballet.  I just did gymnastics, at first.  Later, it was just ballet.

My mom wanted me to put blush high on my cheekbones and not my cheeks at all so much it seems.  She does that, stuff like that, like I care too much about being as pretty as possible for me.

It's some people's dreams to put me "up" as something to aggressively and bluntly factor, with no bail.

Too bad, Dad?

I felt he thought something bad of me.. I was not accepted by others for my former natural beauty and not wearing makeup as a teenager.  Can you kinda remember a feeling that teenagers can be beautiful without makeup? like that was a big thing?  I wonder what Caucasians did a long time ago who weren't royalty etc.  I had this problem with blackheads and didn't do anything, like I couldn't tell whether or not my hair was really long around then sometimes.  Now, everyone thinks I'm an invalid and a reject, which seems rude and out of place.  You could still tell I was an innocent person trying to get by, wish I forgot about school, too, so I could take care of my health..

Edit

I edited my last post.

So, all that fuss, things like what Tim Burton and Johnny Depp do winding up to be, in big ways, just to say I'm not really Italian.

Why do some Italian-Americans make such a fuss?

They have this instinct after a long time to "go wild" and admit how bad other people are, at least to them..

Did you ever try to look into The Divine Comedy?


Anyway, they're not the only ones who notice how bad the Western World can seem to be. Who's complaining? They don't have to fill out their ethnic origin like Latin Americans have. They're of the European race unlike the Greeks. They stole the discovery of classical music or something from the Greeks, the science of music. So, they didn't really do as much of the fine arts as we think.

So, technically, is Starry Night like how they have one, main hit in a book, they have 1 hit in a painting? I know the French can do it, too, paint with little dots or something. Germans I know are famous for wood cut, like Tim Burton's style I've heard people or him say.

As for the fine arts, I watched a DVD on racism from the library a few years ago, and I heard that Blacks invented Baroque musical instruments, at least some. I haven't looked into this further. Blacks also invented art or something, like those bold colors into the mix.

(continued)

on the side of this blog near the top rotating section under "Me."

Update

I added a link to my Virtual Makeovers.

link

Only German feelings can matter??

So what kinda "shit" do you wanna talk about?  If every little thing lasts forever?

Rebels

Dentists, eye doctors ... revel in "coming in" socially happy that others find their lives have no meaning.

What should I have done...

Some schools, even prestigious academic ones, let you major in music without knowing any music at all when you come in.

It seems it used to be more common for possibly prestigious conservatories or at least some to require a secondary instrument to proficiency and as a professional. I heard, though, Juilliard does not let you do both piano and violin.

If I knew to go to college, I could be finished with violin and German as majors over 5 years, since when I decided.

I could have moved to Germany before my parents got sick and died.

Working on word #3.

I should list all the words I remember.

I memorized 2 feeling words in German last night and today, plus before.

Hopefully, at my doctor's appointment today, my diabetes/cholesterol mediations will be lowered.

I see my psychiatrist online Wednesday.  Hopefully, I can wean off all my pills.  They make met tired.  My mom said I had to take them to keep my government money but not here.

I watched a Zoom presentation to be in sales, but I don't want to do that from 2-9.

I have more interviews and applications sent.